I have decided to write another part to my hyperemesis journey; the after effects and after thoughts that I have experienced and felt. If you haven't read my journey through Hyperemesis you can found it here.
For nine months I was living with constantly feeling sick, being sick and worrying about how to keep rehydrated. This was the reality during my pregnancies with both Ruby and Lottie.
I feel there is a gap in my life, a hole that needs filling; I now feel that I want to achieve something for me, something to challenge and motivate me. This should start to happen soon as I begin to take the steps of applying to university, although I have a small sense of yearning that I would love another child. Don't get me wrong, I feel so privileged and blessed to have two amazing daughters, but there still seems a hole, one that needs filling. Some people tell me its because my family is not complete, but others tell me I need to get a dog!, I don't know yet, I just don't feel complete.
I feel sad, I feel cheated and I certainly feel robbed of my pregnancies, not being able to enjoy them or blossom; instead having my head in a sick bucket whilst feeling rubbish. Constantly feeling exhausted with headaches caused by dehydration; thanks HG, thank you for cheating me and stealing the joy I should have had during my pregnancies.
Part of me thinks oh let's try one last time, maybe I will have the perfect pregnancy. The odds are against me and to be honest, the thought of ever falling pregnant and having to relive nine months of taking medication that no Dr can give me 100% certainty that it is OK to take when pregnant, but then saying if I don't take them I will be in danger, as dehydration in pregnancy can be a killer. Charlotte Bronte actually died as a result of HG.
I was apart from my daughter for the first time, whilst I was carrying a collection of cells which were to be her sister. Lottie measured just 0.5cm when I was admitted to hospital to be rehydrated with lots and lots of fluid. I felt isolated and alone and was being fobbed off with "this is normal"; how can it be normal to not function, to be unable to do basic tasks, to have to buy a sick bowl that looks pretty so in some small way it brightens up the day.
Hyperemesis has lost me friends, friends who refused to believe that it was more than just had the normal morning sickness. I feel hurt that these people did not stand by me when I needed them. I told them how it was, how bad it was, but still they refuse to listen. I asked for prayers and they say they would but whether they did only god can judge.
So what have I learnt? I have come out a survivor! I got through the torture and am blessed to have two daughters. I know that I must push on and do all that I can to strive to find an answer, to raise awareness and get healthcare professionals asking why? We must find an answer to put an end to Hyperemesis suffering!
I have two daughters and would hate to think that they could go through the hell that Hyperemesis holds; they need me to raise the awareness, to speak up and say "this happened to me, don't let it happen to them", they need this research and help now, not tomorrow or not someday, but now!
I am currently proud to volunteer for Pregnancy Sickness Support. PSS runs on very little and is completely funded by donations; could you help by donating, or do a sponsored event to raise some funds? Without Pregnancy Sickness Support my pregnancy days would have been very lonely without the contact from people who have walked similar paths to me, the volunteer work that is being done is incredibe.